carly.langdon

Our Story. Part one.

2011-12-27T01:11:00.000-08:00

They say that we choose the people we include in our lives, right? Some psycological thing. Some facts I've heard over the years: humans remember everything they've ever experienced. We just can't recall all of those memories. We have an uncanny ability to read micro expressions on a persons face. These two abilities, combined, give us a true form of instinct. If we remember every interaction we've ever had, and can read these micro expressions, then when we get a gut feeling that someone may not be a good person, we're usually right. We aren't sure why, but we are recalling micro expressions we've seen on a face before, and having associated that person's face with bad personality traits from future interactions, we now have something to base this instinct on. These are just my thoughts on the matter though, I am not a scientist, an anthropologist, sociologist... whatever.

Then there's this whole Freudian thing about choosing the people we include in our lives, for a reason. Every person we ever love or have a relationship with, we have chosen for some reason beyond us. So why then, for myself, have I willingly chosen a married man. With children. He wasn't dishonest about it. He didn't try to hide it. He told me after our second date. "I'm still legally married, and have two sons. Is that what you had in mind about what I did back home?". No it most certainly wasn't. I thought at worst, he'd tell me that he hadn't exactly added me on Facebook yet because he had a girlfriend back home and I was just supposed to be some fling while he visited Toronto. I have a track record for men with girlfriends, to be honest. I would have been OK with that even, knowing he had a girlfriend and I meant nothing. I mean, just a couple of months ago, I ran away from this sweet, cute, caring blond guy, who seemed to really like me because he got too boyfriendy. All because he said he had enjoyed sleeping over (the first time I didn't immediately kick him out post-sex, and only because I thought him too drunk to drive). I got scared of that commitment.

Then I meet this guy. This guy who can't seem to stop catching my eye at work, while I whisk around a busy restaurant on Halloween, dressed as an angel. This tall, beautiful man. In a restaurant full of beautiful servers, and customers, dressed in revealing costume, and this to this guy, I may have been the only woman in the place. We'd glance at each other and smile, and look away, shyly. Then I finish work, start drinking, dancing on the bar, and look down, and there he is, looking up at me. Just me. I can't believe the best looking guy I've ever seen, is there, looking at me. Then the after party, away from the restaurant, a friend of mine's house, and he's there. We dance and laugh and flirt, non verbally. All night. We don't talk much, but there's a spark. Some strange reaction, chemistry I guess, between us that we can't ignore. I hate the phrase, and don't even believe in it, but love at first sight. Infatuation at first sight I suppose. He says goodbye to me that night, and drunk and stupid, I don't give him my number so he can call me. I sit there bewildered. Kind of aghast at his looks and that he came to find me, me... to say goodbye.

The next three days were a blur of photos from the night, one with him in it looking as amazing as I remember him being. And me saying, over and over, like a giddy school girl with her first crush "Can anyone remember his name? Did anyone get his number. I swear he is the love of my life." Something I said, half meaning it, knowing there was a weird spark, knowing it was crazy to think this much about a stranger, but unknowing that I would be right.

Jump to a typical Thursday night, where I had finished earlier than usual, and was standing at the bar, chatting with a bartender who had been a former hookup of mine, months previously, and a group of guys walked into the bar, shouting, rowdy and drunk. And, there he was. My infatuation. He walked in and we noticed each other, and made eye contact, then shyly looked away. The bartender had mentioned me making eyes at this guy as he walked in, and I said, agian "Yeah, it's him. The guy from Halloween. The love of my life." Unknowing, that I would soon be right.

Unlike me, I was too shy to approach him and reintroduce myself. I talked on the other side of the restaurant with two girls who had been at the party with me, asked if they were sure it was him and what the hell I was supposed to do. I didn't know how to talk to him, at all. Highly unlike me, as I speak to probably hundreds of people a week in my service job. My one lovely friend had had enough of my mumbling and excuses, walked off, grabbed him and said "Your angel is here. She's waiting in the dining room for you."

He came and talked to me, and confessed that he couldn't stop thinking about me. I was lost for words and had probably the most dumbfounded conversation with him I've ever had in my life. I finally managed to say "Here's my number. Call me, we should hang out somtime." Then, he said he'd like that, and had to get back to the guys, and kissed me. Right there. Finally.

We went out the next night, and I realized he was already seeming to be more than the emotionless hook up I had hoped for. After another date, he finally told me about the wife and kids. He was seperated and she had left, but it was up in the air on whether or not they'd get back together. I had backed out at this point, told him it had been great but I couldn't get caught up in a complicated situation and in the middle of a family like that.

That lasted all of two days . We couldn't keep away from each other. We just had to see each other again and we did. And after that, we had spent nearly every day of November together. He would stay at my house, or I would stay at his hotel, and each time, we would discuss our pasts, our futures, our interests and dislikes, everything two people who don't know each other need to know. We'd listen to great music, sing along in silly duets, which would piss off my roommates. We'd do this til 7 am sometimes. Just couldn't feel tired around each other. So many times, where conversation would slow, wed be laying there cuddling, just perfect and I'd look up into his eyes, and he'd look into mine and we'd both end up smiling then he'd kiss me or I would kiss him. It was amazing, the simple things we were doing together were amazing. Over the top amazing for us.

In the month we'd spent together, which was the most amazing month of each of our lives, we fell madly in love. There' d b nights where I'd lay in bed with him and thered be the odd silence with that cute smile, and I'd be thinking 'Tell me you love me' becase I wanted him to say it. I'm not sure why. It had only been a month together, not even, and I wanted him to say it. One night in one of those moments, he looked at me and said "Sometimes I think we're thinking the exact same thing." and we both just smiled.

A long way.

2011-10-16T01:43:00.000-07:00

I've come along way. From the years I lived at home. I read some of my writing from back then, about relationships with people who matter. My Dad for one. I grew up thinking my Dad wasn't there, and didn't care, or didn't love me. I've come to realize that I was just a very ingorant child. My dad loves me like any parent loves their children. He doesn't show it much, but I now know it's there. And he's proud of me. Nothing makes me happier than knowing I have my father's approval. That I can be a kid he's proud to have raised.

The last few years have been much better for family relationships. A few weeks ago, I attended a wedding with my family. At 20 years old, I had never danced with my dad. He wasn't able to attend my grade 8 graduation. My high school graduation. He really wasn't there for many milestones in my life. And as much as I've always regretted that, I now see that it was only because he was doing what he had to do to provide for the family. At the wedding, my I finally danced with my dad for the first time. The song he requested for us to dance to was Wild Horses by the Rolling Stones. My mom and dad's wedding song. It was likely one of the most emotional moments in my life. A figurative peice to the puzzle. This was also the day the I realized that my parents are, as much as they haven't shown it, still very much in love. I never realized the joy that family peace can bring to one person. It's refreshing to see that love can last that long, through the hardships my family has faced in the years.

Years and years of family related apathy have been relieved from my life, and I've never been so thankful for anything.

Goodbye.

2011-05-17T23:54:00.000-07:00

This is how the story went,

I met someone by accident,

And he blew me away,

he blew me away.

It was in the darkest of my days,

when you took my sorrow &

you took my pain,

and buried them away,

you buried them away.

I wish I could lay down beside you,

when the day is done,

and wake up to your face,

against the morning sun.

But like everything I've ever known,

you disappeared one day,

so I spend my whole life

hiding my heart away.

-Adele-Hiding My Heart.

Having to actually say the word "goodbye" to you was torture. The hardest word I've ever uttered. I thought I couldn't live without you, and I was a mess when you said you wouldn't be seeing me anymore. But its a matter of days later and I think I'm glad we're done. I learned a lot from you, about myself and about life, and I'm thankful for that. But I definitely know how much better off I am without you. I don't miss you. And I don't think that hurts me. I think I'll always regret not having you in my life, but I don't know that I can miss you all that much.

Never again.

2010-07-10T16:04:00.000-07:00

Last night, I sat at our bar, drinking your drink, watching others play our game. They even played that stupid song that we all sang to really drunk that one night. It reminded me, that even though I despise your very existence, I miss the little things. I miss everything about you. I miss being in your arms, and the way you used to touch me and tell me how much you loved my soft skin. I miss you complimenting every little thing about me. I miss the way you kissed me and the way you tasted. I miss how soft your hair was when I ran my hands through it and how much you hated it if I messed it up. I miss waking up to you still cuddled up behind me. I miss staying up until ridiculous hours waiting for your friends to leave so we could go to bed and not caring how tired I was the next day. I miss the way you smelled so good and I miss the way you teased me. I bet she enjoys it all.

I can sit here thinking about everything I miss about you and completely forget everything I regret about you. You cheated on me. You used me. You lied to me. You never even really cared for me. And yet I still want so badly just to be in your arms. I can't stop thinking about you, still. I miss you so much, and I never want to see you again.

That night.

2010-04-26T00:37:00.001-07:00

You said

"I've missed you."

And I said nothing. I wish I'd have said

"I missed you too."

You said

"I love you"

I wish I'd have kissed you and said

"No you don't"

It's been six weeks,

where are you?

icequeen.

2009-09-30T13:18:00.000-07:00

i am made of ice,

i will crack and break.

eventually i will flow around you,

drown you,

asphyxiate your cold stiff body,

frozen from my hate.

miss.wreckless.

2009-08-03T11:40:00.001-07:00

a girl like me,

well where do i start,

i've got a sensible mind,

but a wreckless heart,

and though my mind knows best,

my heart is one beat ahead.

oh how i always fall too fast,

then fall apart.

old.

2009-06-24T21:50:00.000-07:00

just need to do something to occupy my restless mind right now, so i found some stuff i wrote in, oh, grade ten maybe?

grow.
we grow up so quickly, when everything changes
beyond our control.
friends become enemies, and things which comforted
have long since abandoned.
nothing will ever quite be the same,
now that the light hearted has become so dark.
the rain no long excites me, now that i'm too old
to splash in the puddles, but instead
consoles me, letting me know that i am not alone,
'cause even the sky cries it's tears of sadness.
we become greatful for what we once took for granted,
no longer frightened by the dark, now i long for its
silent, consoling companionship, which lets me
endlessly vent my frustration.
hearts break, thoughts race, and regrets bud from every
time i ever said "i wish i could be all grown up".
we all once desired to know the meaning of the things
which fluttered in our world in hushed voices,
and tabooed whispers, but now i know that ignorance
was truely bliss, and regret that such things exist.
we've traded our muddy clothes and fear of cooties
for expensive images and sex, and we can never regain our innocence.
we make mistakes, fall for the wrong person a hundred times over,
and take more than we can handle, but we won't ever learn.
so here's to picking ourselves up again and again,
and to those few friends who are always there to
tell you they love you even though you are an idiot, and reassure you
that everything will be fine

[so, i like the ideas in that one but it is so badly worded, and in the most terribly messy free verse i have ever encountered.]

bullet

she's beautiful,
but don't let that fool you.
her beauty will pierce you in two
like she's shot from a gun.
to her it's all fun,
she uses, abuses,
and destroys all her muses
from inside to out.
she takes them and breaks them,
to make herself stronger,
you were one too but she wants
you no longer.
her words break you down,
they'll eat you alive.
your hooked, but she's gone,
moved on and its over.
addicted to her, lost in her world,
she was your drug and you
can't give her up.
you'll shatter some more,
scatter the floor,
but i'll still be there,
and i'll bring a needle
and thread.

[inspired by events of long ago, though just an inspiration, nothing too true.]

thinktwice.

2009-01-02T21:20:00.000-08:00

sometimes, when you're driving
in a car, you'll see a box.
and you may get the urge to
run that box over with your
vehicle, but i don't think you should.
because there is a chance,
that the box could be full of kittens.
and that would be awfully sad,
if you ran over a box of kittens.
cars are much bigger than kittens.

figuratively speaking, of course.

no more dystopia.

2008-12-21T21:09:00.000-08:00

there must be some other world,
hidden beautifully away,
in the center of it all,
where everyone is lucid.
a place where a sense of unity
can co-exist with individuality.
where everything is dark,
but only perfectly so,
and conformity is unheard of.
a world where flaws are embraced,
and turned into art.
the deteriorating stone walls would
be painted with beautiful swirls,
and though crumbling, they would
shimmer.
the paint would not be an object of
deception,
but an accepting feature.
everything in alternative utopia
would be blissfully imperfect.
i know it exists, it must.
i hear it calling to me, but how
do i find it? what must i accomplish
to receive my ticket?

"i am beyond death, midst a dreaming affinity"

2008-12-17T13:11:00.000-08:00

& have i reached the point where i've exhausted my ability to feel? i think i've died, i can't even hope any more. i feel nothing now, i recognize the good things that approach me, and i laugh but it's fake. i smile, but there's nothing in my black eyes. i am just so cold. happiness is an illusion now, stress stomped on my last emotions, and i am numb. i haven't cried in so long, and i need to, but i just can't.
how fucking pathetic is that?
i've lost myself, and i don't remember what it's like to love, nor do i even really feel hate. i feel void towards those i had hated before. i feel nothing now, but physical pain, which i don't even mind that much any longer. i feel love from one place, and one place alone, and i don't even know how to fucking return that immense amount of love, and i've had this headache for three... maybe five days now. i can't remember. i've flirted with the idea of death, but even it won't accept me. it's just not my time. i know that. i'm emotionally exhausted. yes, just tired, and i'll say that because i can't accept anything else. i'm just tired. i need emotional sleep/an escape to revive... but how?

hasty venting,

2008-12-16T19:51:00.000-08:00

to you,
i've dreampt of your death, and you know what? it wasn't sad, it had no effect on me. you mean absolutely nothing to me, and why should you? an entire lifetime of nothing from you, yet i still try. i've always tried, and failed. i'll just never be good enough, will i? it hurts to know that you're there physically, but emotionally, you're completely void. you might as well just go.

and to you,
well this is hasty, and i'll probably regret it, but you know what you are? you're a damsel in fucking distress, and that 'prince' you chose, he's never going to save you. you need to realize that you control your fate, and get a hold of things. why don't you grow up, so i don't have to mother you? and everyone fucking else, i'm too young for this. shut up, i can't fucking take it anymore. deal with your problems and stop being such a coward. maybe take fucking responsiblity for things. stop pushing the blame away, accept your mistakes. you're the one i depend on, and i should be able to depend on you but i can't. after everything, you can't even get your life together to help me out, and you wonder why i want to get as far away as i can and never come back.

lovesong, death before deceit.

2008-12-14T19:48:00.001-08:00

let's destroy who we were,
then you can take my hand,
and walk with me to the end of the world.
i don't think it's far.
& you can smoke your cigarettes,
and i'll break things as we go, just as we do.
we'll forget the others,
and just have what's left of life to ourselves.
& when we get there, we can sit on the edge,
let our feet dangle into nothingness
where black thoughts and lost souls gather.
we'll feel the life sucked from our lungs
as twisted veins pump blood to the mouth of fate,
so it can laugh at our destiny.
all the while, you'll fear impending death,
but i'll just smile because now,
we die together before you could
ever lie to me.
[this one has very little to do with me, nor is it about anyone i know. it's more about two characters, and ok, the female in the situation and i have alot in common. but this is not about any current situation. i had to write this one though. ]

december writing.

2008-12-09T19:48:00.000-08:00

the winter weather is getting to me, can you tell?

effects.
it's funny how you can stand in front of me as a complete stranger,
someone i don't know; never knew.
but i still can't forget what you did to me,
and i bet you barely even remember my name
now.

icarus unsightly.
flew so high,
in glorious sun,
escaping the confines
of my distraction,
but before i knew it,
the winds beneath
my wings died ever
so curiously,
and i began to descend,
and faster than i could comprehend,
i hit the ground.
there's no where left to go,
once you've hit
rock fucking bottom,
i am icarus, at best.

most tempting toxicity.

2008-11-14T10:00:00.000-08:00

a kiss of poison lips,
intoxicated mind,
trace of toxins in a life.
tainted purity,
contaminated soul.
corroded judgement
& dissolved all happiness
for quite some time.
he used me like a
disease uses it's host.

libertà per un'anima.

2008-11-10T19:58:00.001-08:00

freedom torn from the battered fingers of the soul who needs it most,
the soul has lost precious years, and with those years trails it's last ounces of hope.
the forces depriving it, constrict its neck and confine it, to the point of hypoxia.
the strangulation begins to cause delerium, a twisted little reality,
one fucked up being.
a being who has lost all chance at ever living, so it seems i will never break free
from all these holds, and should i manage, the scars from the wounds of confinement
will never fade, the guilt will
never be evaded.
in a twisted reality, i would strip myself of everything that i am, disappear
and reappear as a new being that i create myself, leaving everything, and
everyone current behind. that may be my only way to find liberty.
and that is fucking hard to understand.

&on a sidenote, i couldn't even look at you today.
the thought of you makes me fucking sick.
sick at the thought of you, and the wonderment
i have in my serious mislapses of judgement.

ethereal train ride.

2008-10-20T12:31:00.000-07:00

i'm on a train, speeding away from something, watching it fade and fade fast. the farther away i get, the less i even remember of it's existance, but there are those few things i will never rid myself of.
it's kind of similar to when i board the train to leave the city and return here to confinement. i can watch through my window as the city fades away to a tiny dot, and as the country side grows overwhelming and i feel as though i am so far away that i may never have even been there.
at least when i board that train in the city, i know it will bring me back here, home. i guess as much as i deny it, i do love home. that's one thing that's always certain about that specific journey, that the final stop is here. this current journey has no certainty about it.
this train, i never voluntarily boarded. i was kind of pushed away onto it. as i speed away watcing the memory fade, the train stops for plenty of other passengers but not for me. i wonder if it has a destination for me- somewhere that is meant for me to go. the last place didn't seem right at all. there is nothing certain about this train at all. ite empties, just as i do. it begins to feel like i may not ever have a stop.
i speed away and i remember less and less, but i still remember just the way he tastes, and the dirty little things we did. that's probably the only part i will always remember. to think of it, i no longer remember any times we had, laughs we shared, things we had in common, or even conversations. i'm begining to wonder if any of that did ever exist. i hardly remember who he was, or who i thought he was. my memories now are just as he always saw it- just that one aspect. i am used.
i'm glad that this train speeds away from all of that, and most of those memories. maybe one day i'll be able to deny to myself that it ever happened.
but i do wonder, if the past will ever fade completley, and when the train does stop, will it just be the same again?

living in black and white- for now.

2008-09-30T19:53:00.001-07:00

[i've written something with a more positive tone to things, and thought i would add it here & i think if i find time, i may include a peice of artwork that illustrates this a bit more]
i've dreampt before, of a door, distant, at the end of a closed in corridor. a dark, cold dream, i am alone. i approach the door, but it seems i am doing something wrong, for the closer i get, the more this door retreats. faint voices mock my misattempts, and before long, i give up.
now in a startling reality, i am standing infront of the door- it's open. as my eyes adjust to the bright lights, i see a distant blurry image. it is becoming apparent to me just how colourful and plentiful this mirage is. but i can't be sure that it is a mirage- it could be more; maybe even tangible. i step my black and white photograph of a body through the door and into this new world, hesitantly. hesitant because it may just be a bright, colourful trap, designed for the naive. already i feel the auxhileration pulse throuh my soul. creative leaks from my every pore, sparking new beginnings. i step forward, exploring my new desires, opportunities. the closer i come, the more i feel the need to strive, fight and push towards the colourful blur in the distance. it is now so vibrant, i can taste the colours, smell it's pulse. colour has begun to surge my skin as it has my soul. i look to my fingertips to find that they are absorbing a peachy flesh tone. a tone that replaces the grey, where the colour had been drained from me in that dark corridor. and i feel a pleasant warmth wash over me.
obstacles begin to appear before my eyes, but i can tackle them all. this new hope gives me a strength like i've never known before. i am woman and i can do anything.
i only hope these colours are tangible, that i will someday reach them and never witness them fade or disappear. i can merely hope this world hasn't teased me so, only to decieve me and i hope i never find that there is nothing left for me.

living on empty.

2008-09-28T19:34:00.000-07:00

living on empty,
with no fulfillment.
lack of fuel, and no
inspiration.
devastation, and regrets
tear me apart.
becoming drained,
as the days around me
fade to cold, to black.
winter will freeze
my soul, my being.
desiring so much to
seek some colour to
pour into my grey
world, i fear
that i will become
reckless.

fallen soul.

2008-09-18T19:36:00.000-07:00

have you ever just felt lost? like a soul fallen from grace, like something is missing. i've let the little things become bothersome. i'd like to get away from that. something has been lost, and needs, no not needs, i want to replace it. the trouble lies in not finding something suitable to replace it with. and now i'm bound by this loss and confusion, i guess. it's not so much what i lost- that i couldn't be bothered with. it's the fact that i lost it that bothers me. what's worse, is that it was a beneficial loss, yes, thats contradictory. but it was, and now, though i benefit, it's still caused conflict within.
it's a constant, a confinement. i hate confinement, more than anything, but you know, i don't think i've really ever felt true freedom. i want to break away from all my holds, find true freedom, and live completely free-spirited.
i don't know why i feel this way right now. i was so happy for so long, with a few minor setbacks and a bit of stress, but overall happy.
maybe i'm just tired. physically, mentally, emotionally. just tired of everything, tired of the same old, the usuals. tired of...
i'm just tired.

psychosocial: trust vs. mistrust.

2008-09-05T14:40:00.000-07:00

trust is elusive. i am becoming somewhat of a misanthropist; beginning to distrust (almost even dislike) everyone i meet until they prove they are worth my trust. i used to trust until a person would break my trust, then begin to distrust. i've found that finding trust is like mining for precious stones. some rocks, when broken into, will bear a diamond.. something precious. others bear only coal, nothing too valuable. or is it? i mean, coal contains much energy, fuels things. though two rocks may look the same, there is no proof that they contain the same things. much like 'you can't judge a book by it's cover.' this coal, has become the thing that fuels me. though i have found a few precious diamonds in my attempts, and i will keep them close, i think the coal is equally important. distrust has taught me this important lesson, that trusting without reason, or giving the benefit of the doubt always leads to broken trust. i've handed out trust many times, only to have it handed back to me in peices. and, i won't stand for it any longer.
i learned that i should have never trusted you, and i learned that the hard way. it kinda bugged me that you believed her words, when you hardly know her and you dropped me just like that after all the times you convinced me that i could trust you.
but, i'm over it. and you know what? thank you. i've learned so much. and i'll never make this mistake again, or lower my standards ever again. and i now know to trust my gut instinct and open my eyes.

one day,

2008-09-02T20:08:00.000-07:00

this is something i wrote quite a while ago. i turned it into a graphic poem which can be found
here

NO YOU'RE NOT VAIN, THIS IS ABOUT YOU.

you tripped me, i fell.

i'm beginning to really hate you

regret you, figure you out.

i despise your deceit, lies,

and the fact that i fall into

such obvious traps.

hell, i'm beginning to hate

myself because of you.

i hate this distance, and my

apparent lack of importance to you.

i hate that i'm so wrapped up in you.

you make me smile, laugh, cry.

you fuel me, confuse me, use me, liar.

we had it fine, but of course

i fucked that up.

my fault. my fault?

you're destroying me, but one day

you'll only have made me stronger... i hope.

i hate you, i want you,

i'm falling so hard for you.

i'm so mad at you, you're wasting

my time, hate.

i hate you. i wish i believed that.

ihateyouihateyouihateyouihateyou.

i miss you...

so much.

-- one day i'll start writing here.
just like one day i'll get my personal site off the ground.
one day....